AT THE BRINK....

I had been standing over the window for  quite some time now .My mood was pensive and I was somewhat greatful that I turned down the family dinner.I was tired of yet another episode of showing face just to have beautiful pictures for Instagram. Exhausted of practicing our 'Wilson smile';something mother has inculcated in us since we learnt how to say her name. We had one mantra in the family that she tried religiously to make us uphold. "A Wilson is the same, inside and outside ." Although thinking back right now,I think a Wilson is a pretender inside and outside.Our parents were going through a messy divorce .But they still had to hold hands as  they went out in public because they had to save face .As soon as they arrived in the house,they would sanitize as though each other's arms contained something lethal. What followed after that was a trail of insults and blamegames that still irritate my ears even after they were gone.

It was cold outside. I knew I was far zoned out but I also did not want to come back to reality. My reality is hard and miserable; like they say, reality lacks background music.I could not wrap my head around anything .In junior  school, I was the epitome of excellence in all aspects. Self driven ,a great mean grade and dreams to travel the world in my own private jet.All the students practically had an altar at my feet.If I could not solve a question, it automatically had an error .It felt good to be a geek.The attention was my drive to do better. It was the only thing that made me feel like I mattered. This only meant admission to a great high school to battle the toughest brains out and secure a place in my dream college. The beginning was great.As always, I was a magnet with my brilliance, but time often betrays mankind more than it honours them.I began to seriously spiral and my descent to the deepest lybrinth never stopped.

Somewhere along the way,My report card lost its charm.My results were deteriorating and my parents would  make  demeaning comments about my rusting brain and how much I lost interest in getting my life together .My mother once said that her death will be by fire so that instead of us inheriting anything, she goes to the grave with it! Come to think of it,be  careful what you wish for ...

 The whiskey in my hands was ice cold . I loved the feeling. Numbing.I contemplated on pouring it down the drain and using water instead.But I held on to it .The pills would make me sleep away peacefully and somewhere in the dead of the night, death would claim me.I laughed at the thought of that. Sadism. Maybe that's all my life had turned into.The thought of pain made me come alive.I knew where  my father kept his cigars.If I was going to die, I might as well enjoy the remaining items on my bucket list. I lit it and enjoyed a  long puff.There was an alcohol spill on the counter  but at that time,I did'nt care.I will be dead by the time my  mother came home  to scold .Maybe She'll get a heart attack knowing her daughter was.....you know "not upholding the Wilson way "

As I drunk down my last swallow I opened the window .I see Maddie following her dog to the swimming pool .She is the housekeeper's daughter and I had watched her grow like my own sister.I promised myself to make the world a better place for her. And yet here I was ending the very life, selfish isn't it? I was forced to reality by her scream. Angie,Angi.....!!She s drowning. I dropped the cigar and whiskey to the floor and dive from the window to the swimming pool outside .It was the highest and the  most risky thing I had done in my entire life. But I had to get to her. To Maddie .To save a life .I can imagine the headlines " saved by death"or from it . It would take a keen journalist to tell the intimate details of that story. I got to her as I heard a loud explosion followed by a screech of brakes. 

My parents were running towards the house.The water prevented me from seeing clearly . With Maddie safe in my chest I swam away to the end of the pool. She hugged me tightly; so terrified and scared.My head was fuzzy, my vision blurry and the sounds were fading .At first I thought it was the impact of the dive and the adrenaline ,but later reality checked in,the sleeping pills were taking effect.I didn't expect it to be that soon.I should have listened to the pharmacist,taking the pills with whiskey instead of water was a bad idea.It just made my path straight to oblivion shorter and faster .Yet at that moment when I held Maddie all I wanted was to live.It was the only way I would protect her ,the only way I would save her.As my eyes were closing ,the magnitude of my actions struck me but it was too late or so I believed until I woke up two weeks later in a hospital bed with my whole family surrounding me.I never thought I would say this,but I was glad to see them.Yet the first question I asked was ,"Where is Maddie?".The last thing I remembered was wishing I survive this to be with her .

According to Dr. Girishchandra, Sr. Consultant, Psychiatry, Aster CMI Hospital, Most people who commit suicide are contemplating till the very last minute whether they should do it or not. However, there is a small percentage of people who exhibit certain calmness once they have made up their mind. I was calm because I had made peace with the thought of dying. I had been contemplating suicide for a while and that is why I was categorical about it at a time when no one was supposed to be home .

After recovery I had to answer alot of questions despite the fact that everyone was cautious on how they acted around me .They all thought I just decided to kill myself .But it was more complex than that,it was not just a decision.Alot of things had pushed me to a point that my survival insticts had been diminished .The emotional bargain had been too much to bear and I did not feel like I had the time to wait for the point of relief .

They all believed that because I attempted suicide I was pro- suicide.What they did not realize is I was conflicted about it all along.When everything was wrong ,I always thought of a way to see through things . Found positivity in all the negativity.I was even scared of it ,  Subconsciously I used to sabotage my own attempts at suicide .I would try popping pills but not a lot of them or this one time ,I popped pills when no one was home but then I had wasted the whole day thinking about it so by the time I did it,it was around the time someone would be home , someone to save me incase I changed my mind.Which I did .

My family thought by attempting suicide I was trying to get back at them .My way of rebelling against the "Wilson way".But it was not .I thought about them the day I attempted,they crossed my mind each time I would have flashes of reality in my hospital bed .Never at one time did I want to hurt them.I know my actions were hurting but then at that moment I did not think about that .In fact ,I was just tired of my own life and not only the part involving them.Since I was part of the reason why my parents kept fighting,I thought killing myself would make life better for them.I thought my sister could finally get everything she wanted without my parents having second thoughts and my classmates will have less competition in school.

The neighborhood thought I felt unloved .Truth be told ,despite all the family feuds and pretence ,I felt loved. I got almost everything I asked for and I had a shoulder to learn on when my world was shaking .The love I felt from the people around me was able to sustain me in through the many dark moments I had in life. It was enough to help me hope for the  light at the end of the tunnel and made me fight for that light .But sometimes,darkness overwhelms light that's the only way we distinguish day from night.At at that moment darkness won.I lost all hope of a better life .At that time ,all the love they gave me felt like a flame to boiling water ,no matter how much they increased it ,it was not up to it to make the water boil,I was the water ,and I was still not boiling .

When I first opened my eyes on that hospital bed,my sister was crying .She was blaming herself for what happened to me .she was wondering what she could’ve done differently. It was  gut-wrenching but also, in some ways, comforting her  because it deluded her into thinking that she had some kind of control over the what happened to me .Yet she did not .I know if my family has been any different,I would still have found a reason to attempt suicide because deep down,it wasn't about them,it was about me .That sounds cliché but then it was just the case ;my reaction to the world and not the world's actions to me .

One evening,I was coming down from my room and I heard my mum talking to her friend.Her friend was telling her to watch me closely as I may reattempt suicide and that they should talk less about that incident as it may trigger me again .You know ,there are two kinds of people who attempt suicide, those who have thought about it and those who do it impulsively.maybe the did have a reason to be alarmed ,but then I was not an impulsive person so about that she was wrong even though she sounded right .That kind of stigma did hurt me ,her assumption was right according to scientists people who attempt suicide and fail reattempt it but then that was not the case for me. I had found a reason to live,I had found Maddie and that meant no more suicide attempts .

Right now ,I live life. I am not sure I am supposed to say I was saved "by death" or "from death."If Maddie had not almost drowned that day ,I am not sure my body would have fought so hard to survive when the pills were wearing me down.They say reasons to live give reasons to die and my case reasons to die,gave me reasons to live.Maddie.