Heartfelt Dilemmas

 

By Maria Njoroge

Somewhere between the bliss of a campus beginning and the hell of a four-year hassle, something happened. Something undeniably magical. I remember the first time I saw you, actually saw you. I could not believe that I had passed you all these years and nothing ever seemed out of the ordinary. I wonder how I never first saw your deep brown eyes. How I never noticed your shirts were always meticulously ironed. How did I who was always aware of my surrounding miss out on how many walks to the lecture halls we were together? I was oblivious to it all.

I remember the weather that day, the chilly evening, the drizzling, the strong wind. Most important of all I remember the light in your eyes when you saw me. I cannot quite describe it. I can not put words in what happened at that particular moment. All I know is, I want you to keep looking at me like that forever.

Love, the confines of the system have been great, but the harsh reality of it will soon dawn on us. I have seen the pensive look in your eyes. The searching my face as though to look for meaning . I know you do not want to voice it. You have always hated my lack of spontaneity and my desire for a solid plan. I have heard you sigh in your sleep and I have seen you practice your life without me. All I have is a sweet memory of the evening you walked with me and I wanted it to be like that forever.

Now , all I can do is picture our last walk together around campus . Maybe you will hold my hand with the same tenderness like you did before. Maybe your eyes will tell me what I need to hear. What I want to hear.  As graduation approaches, I find myself struggling with the knowledge that our time together is coming to an end. I know that we have both talked about our plans for the future, and how they will take us in different directions, but it still breaks my heart to think about it. Even for a hopeless romantic, this dream is just that a dream.

But maybe, just maybe, on that last walk, you will tell me a different story . I know that we have talked about how we will stay in touch, and how we will make the long-distance thing work, but it still feels like the end of an era.